Calm in the Midst of a Storm

The Razien Family (Summer of 2013)

I fly out tonight at 10:00 p.m. for an Oklahoma trip that is sure to be bittersweet.

My dad, whom I refer to as "Daddio," is extremely ill and this is expected to be his last Christmas. He was diagnosed 10 years ago with a a rare lung disease known as MAC Lung, which is a form of COPD that attacks pulmonary function. Since then, his lungs have been filling with mucous that eventually will become too thick to be dislodged by coughing, ultimately resulting in my sweet daddio's death.

Tears flow as I write this blog post, but I felt God calling me to communicate, sharing with you the sustaining power of Jesus during what is sure to be one of the darkest times of my life. My prayer is that you too will hold onto Christ as the waves pound your ship -- experiencing His peace despite the storm.

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I don't want to go to Oklahoma. I don't want to see my dad in this state. I do not want to see my precious mom exhausted and at the end of her rope. I don't want to spend Christmas away from my husband and son for the first time in nine years. And, honestly, I don't want to face this chaos during what is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year." 

In fact, it would be the natural choice to stay home with my husband and son, as we have never traveled over Christmas. My mom would not have even blinked an eye, especially given that we had all been together just a few weeks ago during Thanksgiving.

As these thoughts filled my mind, I began to weep . . .  out of both dread and guilt. Dread because it won't be the typical, crazy, loud and jovial Razien Christmas. And guilt due to my feelings of dread. 

Then, as I calmed down, Matthew 26:39 came to mind:

"And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, 'My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will'."

And then again in Matthew 26:43:

"My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done."

These were the words of Jesus shortly before being captured, falsely accused and then beaten and tied to a cross where he would die an agonizing death on our behalf. Now my sufferings don't compare to the sufferings of God's only son, but there is a similarity. We are told in Matthew 16:24-26:

"Then Jesus told his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it'." 

The Lord put this verse on my heart because it is not about me not wanting to go to Oklahoma, which had been feeding my guilt, but rather about me doing His will by taking up my cross and following Him. This means sacrificing my holiday comfort in St. Louis, Mo., to be a blessing to my momma and daddio during this very hard time.

Love is an act, not a feeling. Jesus did not want to go to the cross. He did it out of love for His own (John 17:17), just as I will spend a hard Christmas in Oklahoma out of love for my own -- my family.

So, I will board that plane later tonight knowing that my Savior is with me and that I am doing His will, which not only brings me peace, but also a sense of anticipation and cheer as the plane makes its descent into Oklahoma City.

God is good. All the time.

Merry Christmas, friends!

Daddio and me (Summer of 2017)